This is topic Incredibly sad day in forum Member forum at The New Huntmastersbbs!.
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Posted by booger (Member # 3602) on December 08, 2016, 11:02 AM:
As you read this below, please know I am not posting this for any type of sympathy, just part of my healing process…
I am the youngest of three kids. My youngest sister is 12 years older than me, and my oldest sister 16 years. All of my nieces and nephews were like my younger sisters and brothers, and we all remain very close to this day.
My oldest nephew is eight years younger than me, and I felt the closest to him. He was my youngest sister’s oldest son, and since my dingbat of a sister had been married and divorced at least 6 times before this kid graduated from high school, I had extra empathy for him. He was a sensitive kid, but pretty tough. Good football player and could hit the shit out of a baseball.
He moved in with his father in Russell, Kansas, when my sister got divorced and married for the 7th time. I was working in a bank about 40 minutes away from Russell, and I made it a point to go hunting together as much as we could, and that he knew about his granddad, my father, since he was only 8 years old when my dad died. My sister’s various husbands had been in the Air Force, and she drug the kids from Altus, OK, to Travis AFB, and then to Lakenheath AFB near London, and points in between.
As I got busier in my career, he and I were never as close as I would have liked, but we still stayed in touch. He married a woman 8 years older than him, and he was happy. He had two wonderful, beautiful daughters.
Not sure what demons he was chasing, but he started drinking heavily 25 years ago, and never really let up. He started out with great credit, but as most alcoholics sink to, he started bouncing checks, got DUI’s and even lost a job because of his drinking.
I only started to hear from him in the last five years or so when he needed money. Uncle Tim was a good sounding board when he was about to get his wife’s car repossessed by another banker friend of mine, or about to get his house foreclosed on.
Most of the calls between us were one sided…him asking for me to lend him money, and my saying no. I felt pangs of guilt, but what I did do was intervene on his behalf with my banker buddy to work something out with him. I know that stung him bad when I wouldn’t help monetarily, but I was afraid most of it would go to whiskey and vodka instead of where it should have gone.
Last year, I had some hope. He indicated he quit drinking and lost about 60 pounds. I was proud that he did that, and thought now he could start being the person I knew was inside him.
Unfortunately, that was short lived and he started drinking again, even heavier than in the past. 25 years of that kind of abuse was not kind to his body. Last week, he started filling up with fluid, and most of his internal organs just shut down.
We bury him Monday. He was 47.
Posted by Lone Howl (Member # 29) on December 08, 2016, 01:30 PM:
Sorry to hear that Tim. Been thru something similar, it always sucks.
Mark
Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on December 08, 2016, 02:06 PM:
Yes, I can sort of relate because the guy across the street lost his brother who was an alki. He died about 5 years ago, but he was 46 when he died. Hard to figure why people do that to themselves? Many of them know what they are looking at but apparently, don't care?
I say anybody can quit if they want to, but a lot of them don't want to. That's why I guess AA is a better plan than whatever they have, getting blasted and staying broke. They also like to hang out with other alcoholics.
I've been drunk before. It's terrible, I wouldn't wish it on a dog. I think I got drinking out of my system in my early 20's. I just couldn't handle it, especially the hangovers. I remember something my cousin's son said once: You gotta drink through it He's a good guy, kinda happy go lucky, but seems like they actually have very little self regard?
Figure it out? Don't ask me.I do not know what makes an alcoholic tick. But, it must be a pitiful existence?
Good hunting. El Bee
Posted by 4949shooter (Member # 3530) on December 08, 2016, 02:30 PM:
Sorry for your loss.
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on December 08, 2016, 04:23 PM:
My condolences, Tim. My son is an addict and an alcoholic. Clean now and attending court-ordered counseling and classes with other offenders. The process of becoming what he is from what he, at one time, was is complex and heart breaking. The struggle to stay clean is a daily battle within their bodies and minds. I sincerely believe that no one ever wants to become addicted. It starts with simple life. Bad things happen, maybe a medical condition, as was the case with my boy, or a series of events that seem insurmountable.
Depression begins to overrule common sense and they find a means to self-medicate to manage the pain and self loathing. Under ideal circumstances, help is right there and is effective. In most cases, neither is the case. The substance of choice becomes a necessary part of their system and it becomes increasingly difficult to even exist without it. For the addict, the only time they're able to think clearly and cope is when they're drunk or under the influence. With meth, that is especially true.
The one thing I can tell you is what my son has told me repeatedly... no one can change the addict until they decide they want to make the change. No amount of love, encouragement, berating, shame or criticism will matter unless and until they make the decision for themselves, and that's usually when they've found the proverbial rock bottom.
For my son, he has relapsed on two occasions. In both instances, he volunteered for admission to rehabilitation because he desperately wants to stay clean. He shares with me his challenges, one of which is what is called "using dreams", when he is at his most vulnerable while asleep and actually has dreams - very vivid dreams - where he is either using or is under the influence and is dreaming that he is experiencing the sense of euphoria his body craves. How do you deal with that, either as the recovering addict or as someone who very much wants to help them? You cannot.
You did the most anyone can do. You loved him. You supported his efforts to set his life straight. You chose not to enable his behavior and, in my opinion, everything you did was the correct way to deal with your relationship with him and his demons. I applaud you for the strength and wisdom you showed in staying the course, even though the outcome wasn't what you'd hoped for. I know, personally, the desire to just turn your back and walk away from the drama and stress. But, I also know that any real man would never abandon a loved one in need like some people think we ought to do. That doesn't fix anything. Like you, I support my son with small amounts of help here and there. I don't give him cash for the same reasons you mentioned. When he needs something, I go and do the buying. He may not like it, but he has told me he understands completely why and appreciates that my rules come from love and concern.
Again, my condolences. Sadly, there are just things in this world we can't fix, no matter how hard we try. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posted by Lonny (Member # 19) on December 08, 2016, 04:39 PM:
Really sorry to hear about your loss Tim. It sounds like the guy had a rough row to hoe right from the start.
Don't feel bad about posting it in the least. It feels good and is somewhat of a release to put things into typed words.
Posted by Locohead (Member # 15) on December 08, 2016, 04:59 PM:
I'm sorry for your loss Tim!
Posted by MATTKS (Member # 4521) on December 08, 2016, 08:14 PM:
I am sorry for your loss. I know what it is like to watch some you love battle demons. I think sometimes the demons get so bad that they turn to substance abuse or worse to keep the demons at bay. It is hard to watch and you will struggle with regret on thing you should have or could have done differently. I know I do.
Posted by knockemdown (Member # 3588) on December 09, 2016, 04:32 AM:
Condolences, Tim.
Posted by Paul Melching (Member # 885) on December 11, 2016, 07:07 AM:
So sorry for your loss Tim , Thoughts and prayers for you and yours.
Posted by Eddie (Member # 4324) on December 11, 2016, 06:19 PM:
Sorry for your loss.
Having seen what drinking can do to a family member first hand my prayers are with you and your family.
Stay strong the rest of your family needs that right now.
Posted by NVWalt (Member # 375) on December 12, 2016, 03:37 AM:
I feel for you Tim. Have had one too many friends die from drink and or drugs.Having been involved in that circle of people for too many years.It is a hard one to fathom but life goes on and all we can do is pray and help as best we can.Sorry for you and your families lose,especially when it all seemed to be such an unnecasery death....Walt
Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on December 12, 2016, 07:56 AM:
Yes, that seems to cover it, an "unnecessary" death. But, the people involved are pretty much content with what they have made of their lives. There seems very little regret, a wish to change their lives around, come what may. I mean, if somebody was holding your head under water, wouldn't you wish for a solution? And yet, they are content, in a way and resent anybody preaching to them about the evils of drink or drugs.
And they don't want out, they like what they have become and you better not try to help them....unless you can spare twenty bucks 'til payday? (that you will never see again)
My son is what you might call, (and what I consider) a functioning alcoholic, by my definition. He always values his job, always goes to work, doesn't drink while he's there. Always has 4 or 5 beers when he gets home, not smashed. In fact, he's normal and in control, you would never know that he drank 5 out of the sixpack while I was nursing one. Don't even know how he does it? Me? I start feeling a second beer and know my limit; which is ONE. Well, he does too, but he can handle a lot more than an average person. I'm sure it will affect his health, one day, but as far as he is concerned, everything's perfect; what's the problem?
Nancy's father was an alki, but her mother laid down the law when he was a very young man, but they all remember when Dad drank. Nancy never had any interest in booze, at all. Of course, I always thought there was some truth in Irish being susceptible to alcoholism. Very much like American Indians.
And, I also kinda believe it skips generations like my son to his maternal grandfather, there is even a physical resemblance, except my son still has his hair. lol But, in attitude, they are like two peas in a pod, very focused on family considerations, very few outside interests, oh, except baseball, but granddad was who got him chewing snuff. And, that addiction is more severe than the beer, by the way.
Anyway, I'd be a millionaire if I had all the money my son has pissed away on beer. <shrug>
Good hunting. El Bee
Posted by booger (Member # 3602) on December 13, 2016, 06:00 AM:
Thanks for the responses and thoughts, everyone! Got through the day yesterday, and while it was very difficult, I understand that those around him did everything they could to get him to change his habits.
Unfortunately, he never admitted he had a problem which was a problem.
LB hit the nail on the head with his last post. Sometimes we want more for people than what they want for themselves.
Posted by TRnCO (Member # 690) on December 13, 2016, 06:44 AM:
sorry to read this Tim. Many years ago I had a friend that because of his problems with alcohol, I broke off the friendship because I didn't want no part of the troubles it brings, and not long after that he died in a car crash, and I'm sure he was drunk when he crashed. I tried, and several of his other friends tried to tell him he had a problem but he never wanted to admit it and never tried to change his ways. Was young and dumb and thought he was invincible. He was just 26 years old.
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