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Author Topic: L.E. humor ( I didn't know they had any ?) Leonard HMFIC Member # 2 posted July 29, 2007 03:22 PM                       The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. #15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' # 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' #13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' #12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' #11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' #10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?' ; #9 #9'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.' #8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' #7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.' #6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.' #5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.' #4 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?' #3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' #2 'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.' The envelope please.......... AND THE WINNER IS ... #1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.' -------------------- EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All. Don't piss me off! Posts: 32367 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged Rich 2,000th post PAKMAN Member # 112 posted July 30, 2007 09:01 AM                       This happened to me. I was running radar along 23d ave. and clocked this car at ten or more miles per hour over the speed limit. As I was writing the ticket, the old boy told me that I should set up my radar down in front of his house. "They speed past my house all of the time" he says. I hand the old boy his ticket and drove directly to his home, where I parked and setup the radar. It wasn't long before the radar beeps the signel that tells me another speeder is approaching. I stop the car, and guess what? It was the same guy! He looked at me, shook his head and says "I ain't saying a dam thing!". -------------------- If you call the coyotes in close, you won't NEED a high dollar range finder. Posts: 2854 | From: Iowa | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged Leonard HMFIC Member # 2 posted July 30, 2007 11:35 AM                       Cronk. Please tell me that you didn't write him twice. There has to be a cop (somewhere) that wouldn't be a prick in that situation? Good hunting. LB -------------------- EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All. Don't piss me off! Posts: 32367 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged csmithers unknown comic posted July 30, 2007 12:47 PM              I'd have wrote him because he TOLD him where to go to get speeders! If he had kept quiet and not WHINED he would have been home for dinner. IP: Logged Leonard HMFIC Member # 2 posted July 30, 2007 12:58 PM                       BOO! edit: what a prick! [ July 30, 2007, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Leonard ] -------------------- EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All. Don't piss me off! Posts: 32367 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged Rich 2,000th post PAKMAN Member # 112 posted July 30, 2007 01:49 PM                       Leonard, Nope, I didn't write him another ticket. Guess I figured he had been punished enough already. Here is another true story for ya. Back in the 70's, our Police dept.had it's own radio room and it's own jail. The shift Captain would assign certain oficers to work inside for that month, where they answered the phones, dispatched cruisers to various calls and etc. The junior officer working inside that month would act as jailor. The jailor searched the prisoners as they were brought in to the station, and after the prisoner had been booked then the jailor escorted the prisoner to the elevator. The elevator ride to the jail on third floor was a scary adventure at times. Anyway my friend Bud had been jailor for a month and was called into court to testify in a case where a prisoner claimed to have been assaulted by the police. My friend Bud passed away a couple of years ago. He had a strange sense of humor (most cops do)but was an all around good cop. Anyway, Bud is sworn in and the defense Attorney is doing his dirty job on Bud. Lawyer: "Officer, do you mean to tell ME right here in this court room, that you rode up the elevator with that man, you were within three feet of him and you didn't notice that his nose was bleeding, his lip was cut and one eye was swollen badly?". Bud: "I mean to tell YOU right here in this court room, that I rode up the elevator with that man, I was within three feet of him and I didn't see NOTHIN'!" -------------------- If you call the coyotes in close, you won't NEED a high dollar range finder. Posts: 2854 | From: Iowa | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged Leonard HMFIC Member # 2 posted July 30, 2007 01:58 PM                       Oh yeah. My brother-in-law, a Lieutenant with LA County Sheriff. Back before they put up the plexiglass behind the seat: that occasionally a detainee would spit on the back of his head, and doggone it, they would sometimes trip and fall walking down the steps, handcuffed. I'm glad to hear that you cut the guy a little slack. Why was that? Did you reach your quota? lol Good hunting. LB -------------------- EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All. Don't piss me off! Posts: 32367 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged Rich 2,000th post PAKMAN Member # 112 posted July 30, 2007 02:01 PM                       On the 11:p.m. to 7:a.m. shift, we rode as two man cars back in those days. Bud and I were called to a bar room disturbance. When we got there, this drunk walks up to us and says "Ill have you know that I am a Captain in the United States Airforce!" Bud looked at him and says "That's good enough, you'r under arrest!" -------------------- If you call the coyotes in close, you won't NEED a high dollar range finder. Posts: 2854 | From: Iowa | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged Rich 2,000th post PAKMAN Member # 112 posted July 30, 2007 02:04 PM                       Not really Leonard. We had a quota for a short time, but they usually let us write as many tickets as we wanted to. -------------------- If you call the coyotes in close, you won't NEED a high dollar range finder. Posts: 2854 | From: Iowa | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged Cdog911 "There are some ideas so absurd only an intellectual could believe them."--George Orwell. Member # 7 posted July 30, 2007 03:27 PM                       Those are pretty good. LOL Old law dog stories are pretty good. Back in "the day", I was in college and wanted to be a game warden pretty bad. So, I had the Sheriff's permission at home to do ride alongs with all the various deputies, of which my older brother was senior road deputy. Late one Saturday night, we'd just wrapped up booking in a DUI when the dispatcher told us they had suspicious activity at a production plant in a small town 8 miles out. We started that way and about five miles that way, we met a tan colored Mercury Cougar that was reported to be involved. My brother says "Hold on", reaches behind him to brace the milk crate (in every cop car full of three ring binders loaded with statute books) and slams on the brakes. 90 to 0 in about 3 seconds. LOL He slams the car into reverse and takes off backwards, then powerbrakes us around as he drops her into drive. Away we go. By now, things are getting interesting. He has his radar locked onto our speed and we're catching up on these subjects with the red numbers showing "127". Then, he says, "hold on" again as we enter this steep banked curve that comes into the edge of town. Bear in mind that my brother, at acadamy, out performed all our state troopers and still holds the EVOC course record for time and efficiency. Anyway, we fly past this speed limit sign that recommens 45 mph at 105 as he threshhold brakes us into the bottom of the curve, straightens out a bit, then slings us to the top. The car we're chasing is doing about 90 in a 30 and fish tailing a bit. It's 12:45 a.m. and we come upon a city cop. The city cop pulls his car out and gets alongside the driver's side door of the Cougar as we're right on their bumper with our take down lights and siren going. The guy in the Cougar starts to speed up and Brad, my brother, tells Don, the PD officer to pull ahead and run him into the ditch, which he does. The guy slams on the brakes and comes to a stop with us ten feet off his bumper. Brad and Don both jump out and draw their weapons, as Brad yells at them to shut off the car and place their hands on the steering wheel. The female driver and a man in the passenger seat are playing tug of war with something between them, so Brad yells at them again. By now, my heart is pounding in my thorat and I quickly realize that this s*it is REAL! They don't listen. Brad yells at Don to cover him, walks up alongside the driver's side with his MagLite and shines it in on them. They ignore him. He realizes that they're fighting over somthing in her purse, so the next thing he does is takes his flashlight and took her entire side window out then sticks the barrel of his .357 mag at that time in her left ear. At that point, he got their attention. He gets her to exit the vehicle, puts her leaning on the cruiser hood and tells me to watch her. I'm so wound I can't even blink my eyes! Then he goes back to the passenger side, and orders the guy to reach out, open the door from the outside and exit the vehicle. The guy tells him to F off, so Brad just reaches in through the open side window and grabs him by his shoulder length greasy hair and pulls his ass out of the window and onto the ground where he sticks his gun in his ear, tells him he could very well die tonight if he moves, and cuffs him, and pats him down. My big brother had kicked my butt a lot of times as we grew up, maybe more, but I was still impressed as hell by how he handled himself. People see us together and ask me what happened. At the time, I was 5-11, 180 #. Brad was 6-3, 275 # and all corn fed beef. He's still bigger than me, and I can tell you that at the time, that night, I saw no LE humor in that situation. Since then, I've been in on several things like that, and luckily was carrying a gun at the time myself, but I never had the "presence" under those circumstances that "Hoss" did. BTW, they were fighting over a little semi auto handgun. -------------------- I am only one. But still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something; and, because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. Posts: 5440 | From: The gun-lovin', gun-friendly wild, wild west | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged csmithers unknown comic posted July 30, 2007 05:20 PM              I bet I'd listen pretty good even with a .357 blocking my ear drum. I tried to outrun the cops once. It didn't work. For some reason they get really agitated when you try that. Go figure. IP: Logged Cdog911 "There are some ideas so absurd only an intellectual could believe them."--George Orwell. Member # 7 posted July 31, 2007 06:19 AM                       Can't outrun Motorola -------------------- I am only one. But still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something; and, because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. Posts: 5440 | From: The gun-lovin', gun-friendly wild, wild west | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged BigO Knows what it's all about Member # 1062 posted August 10, 2007 09:02 PM                    What Basic class were you and your brother in Lance? Radio, Glock 40, and a Crown Vic. Sounds like a party to me!! Posts: 64 | From: reno co. ks. | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged The Outdoor Tripp Knows what it's all about Member # 619 posted August 27, 2007 07:09 PM                       In college I drove a 1970 Ford LTD with a 390, electronic ignition and a oversized Holley 4-barrel. If the car had wings, it would have flown. Following a friend's tip, I went to the campus book store and picked up an old weathered copy of The Patrolman's Handbook and kept it laying on the front dash beneath the registration sticker with the book title in plain sight. I got stopped maybe a half-dozen times for speeding during college and every single time it went like this: COP: So, why the Patrolman's handbook son? TRIPP: It's for school sir. I'm a Criminal Justice major and studying to be a police officer sir. COP: Really? Well good luck to you son. Please try to drive a little slower from now on. I'm going to give you a warning this time and... Pretty smart for a business major, eh? [ August 27, 2007, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: The Outdoor Tripp ] -------------------- The Outdoor Tripp www.theoutdoortripp.com "All great truths begin as blasphemies." Posts: 805 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged Leonard HMFIC Member # 2 posted August 27, 2007 08:07 PM                       Man, that's just wrong! and I wish I'd thought of it. -------------------- EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All. Don't piss me off! Posts: 32367 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged

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