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Posted by Andy L (Member # 642) on July 16, 2007, 06:25 PM:
Thought this was good.
A message from the rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest , the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin likely did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed.. We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute..
12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
13. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
like a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
15. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water hazard, it spooks our fish.
17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.
18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.
19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.
Now, enjoy your visit!
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on July 16, 2007, 06:50 PM:
Sah...LOOT!!!
Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on July 16, 2007, 09:46 PM:
We yuppy Californians sure catch a bunch of shit. I suppose you midwest farmers also hate "environmentalists" and the Humane Society?
I'm going to have a cry over this. Krusty, now they will be calling all of us left coasters whiners! Not fair!
Good hunting. LB
Posted by Kokopelli (Member # 633) on July 16, 2007, 09:53 PM:
Good; Although I did hear that Kansas was changing it's name to Paris..... White, Flat, & Easy to Enter.
Lord I apologize for that and please be with the starving pygmie coyotes in Texas.
Posted by Krustyklimber (Member # 72) on July 16, 2007, 10:09 PM:
Truly unfair, I thought that job was all mine, but now I got all kinda people doin' it for me?
Krusty 
Posted by Tim Behle (Member # 209) on July 17, 2007, 08:27 AM:
Kokopelli,
That's the best one I've heard in a long time!
Posted by Kokopelli (Member # 633) on July 17, 2007, 08:58 AM:
Tim; I'm just trying to be the voice of decorum & good taste around here. Seems like that list ought to be a Merle Haggard song.
How you feel'n???
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on July 17, 2007, 05:37 PM:
Hey!
That ain't funny!
Well, maybe a little.
Actually, it may be easy to enter, but it ain't' that easy to stay. It's been a helluva year for us jayhawkers (Pains the hell outta me to use that phrase when I'm a K-State kinda guy). Since December, we've endured the worst blizzard in the state's history, the first enhanced Fujita-5 tornado in history which did more damage than any other on record in Kansas, my area has flooded completely not once but TWICE, southeast Kansas then went under water and those evil oil industry bastards dumped 71K gallons of pure crude on top just to make things all the better. Now, just today, a solvent manufacturing plant in Valley Center caught fire and blew a semi-truck and trailer over 200 feet straight into the air before burning 36 storage tanks full of acetone and solvent. The funny thing about that is that within an hour of the first explosions, FEMA was on scene with a semi tanker full of water, just in case they were needed, and, according to the news reporter on TV, "they were already in the area because of the tornado recovery and the floods". New Orleans can't get them on the phone and they're showing up here uninvited! Go figure. 103 of Kansas' 105 counties have been declared federal disaster sites (don't say it, behle. It's far too easy.) The only thing we haven't been hit with is pestilence, since I was out this morning and was swarmed by a cloud of short-horned grasshoppers, so I guess that's the plague of locusts. Every night, the liberal she governor we hired pisses and moans because we have all these disasters and President Bush has sent all our National Guard equipment to Iraq and none of it is being replaced and (sob, sob, sob)... next year is looking better already. If I can just stay away from those damned boils.
[ July 17, 2007, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Cdog911 ]
Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on July 17, 2007, 05:43 PM:
Don't seem fair that only two counties got to opt out?
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on July 17, 2007, 07:43 PM:
I agree. We can't figure out who they are yet. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
We had the floods. My buddy Kent lost his house in a tornado. Another friend lost his grandmother at Greensburg. yet another couple we know - her parents lost their house north of Greensburg. They relocated that night to her grandparents home in Macksville, NE of Greensburg, and the very next night, another tornado came through, followed the same path as the EF-5 and destroyed that house as well. Her folks said that the Saturday night (2nd) tornado was nothing compared to the Greensburg twister. Saturday's was overhead for, maybe, 15 seconds, as far as the roaring, the pressure in the ears, the house cmoing apart around them. The Greensburg tornado, she said, was grinding on them for a full seven minutes, it was so big. Everyone I know knows someone that was affected by that tornado, and the many the next night. Both storms came through here making for a very long weekend. Makes Kansas seem a lot smaller than it used to be.
Paul asked me to do a story on Kent's trapping and callmaking shop being detroyed. It was a pretty nciely laid out garage/ shop combo up to that night. Here's the pic I posted at other boards of what was left of it and his truck the next morning.
We spent all day salvaging his stuff, best we could, and getting his truck out of that tree. had to abandon our work about four times because of scud storms moving through with lots of lightning. I'll be up there tomorrow night to take pictures of his new shop that is just about finished. Others aren't recovering as fast.
[ July 17, 2007, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Cdog911 ]
Posted by TA17Rem (Member # 794) on July 17, 2007, 07:55 PM:
FEMA did'nt do so hot in New Orleans, but i'll tell you what they did a hell of a good job up here in MN. and i'm glad they where here to help out... T.A.
Posted by Krustyklimber (Member # 72) on July 17, 2007, 11:22 PM:
Lance,
Boy, talk about a good reason to move.
I don't care what the employment rate is, you can have my share of that kinda weather.
Krusty
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on July 18, 2007, 07:38 AM:
Hell, K, around here, tornaders are considered a spectator sport. Watch for the article. There is a pretty good story beneath that rubble.
Posted by Kokopelli (Member # 633) on July 18, 2007, 03:17 PM:
Cdog; Question.
I've always wondered why you folks in tornader country don't build homes underground. The technology is availble. Property could be reserved for landscaping & gazeebos. Seems like the 'green' crowd would be on it like ugly on an ape.
Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on July 19, 2007, 07:43 AM:
That's a danged good question. You see more and more people building their homes into the sides of hills (yes, we have hills) these days. The house we bought a year ago has a fully finished basement which coimes in handy when all hell breaks loose. Much nicer sitting in the LaZBoy with a bowl of chips and salsa watching the weather reports on the flat screen then huddling in a spider-infested oversized coffin from hell. What always made me wonder is why Oklahoma doesn't even let you dig a basement? WHat the hell kinda crazy crap is that? OK has as many or more tornadoes as we do!
Posted by smithers (Member # 646) on July 19, 2007, 03:59 PM:
Even the threat of a storm and the word tornado involved sends my wife's anxiety level through the roof. I don't care one way or the other it's nature's fury and not much I can do about it. The one thing that scares the hell outta me is lightning. A couple bolts of lightning REAL close and I am huddling in a spider hole, I don't care where it is.
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