The New Huntmastersbbs!: More bullshit from Texas...

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Posted by The Outdoor Tripp (Member # 619) on July 26, 2005, 03:18 PM:

Tables Turned

Last night was a doozey. Falling asleep faster than a fat man on a full stomach, I stumbled into the worst nightmare money couldn’t buy. I wasn’t falling, running in slow-motion from killers, or even naked in public. It was far worse. I dreamt it was hunting season and I wasn’t hunting whitetail ... they were hunting me.

Realizing the best defense is a good offense, deer everywhere had taken to arms, discovering there is nothing easier to hunt than your average deer hunter. Bambi and company were having a field day.

They were only after males – oblivious prey, more predictable than their female counterparts due to never-ending rut activity.

Trophies were judged by waist size. Shooters started in the high thirties, with forty-inchers destined for wall hanging, and the occasional fifty rating world-class. Full-body mounts, necessary to showcase trophy qualities, were popular with "reaching for remote" and "opening fridge door" action poses available. The more affordable European mount, or belt-on-a plaque, was also common.

Judging trophies in the field was a snap. Layers of bulky camo, often concealing hunters’ mid-sections, sagging necks, multiple chins, graying sideburns and fly-away ear hair were tell-tale signs of mature shooters. Small-waisted, mature specimens were considered culls and harvested for herd management.

Their methods were simple: Hunt thirty minutes before dawn and dark as hunters entered and exited the field. Deer simply staked out blinds until noisy, flashlight-toting trophies appeared struggling to climb in or out. Reeking of coffee, last night’s campfire and the occasional cigarette, even the most stealthy presented skillet shots to their downwind pursuers.

We were so easy to hunt. Electronic game calls featuring beer cans opening, bacon frying and the Bay Watch theme song got our attention, while attractant scents of hot coffee, fresh donuts and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in heat drew us close. The coup de grace? Feeders baited with t-bones, 12-packs and Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Editions kept us occupied until we turned broadside...

Spot and stalk techniques were also practiced. Slow-moving hunters, overloaded with gear presented easy targets and were virtually unable to flee – the more desirable trophies having the most difficulty. Flee or not, it was just a matter of time.

The successful deer drove to town, two or three hunters strapped to the truck grill, headed for the meat locker, or taxidermist, depending. They bragged about their hunts, spinning yarns about the ones that got away: Thirty-inchers became forties, hundred-yard shots became two-hundred. It all sounded so familiar.

Sweaty and shaking like a cheap motel bed, I woke from my Disney classic gone wrong and realized it had all been a dream. I sat up and gathered my wits.

It had all been so easy – scarily so. The deer had us pegged, and hunting the hunters was like shooting big fish in a small barrel. We were all so predictable … so detectable … and so fat. Millions of years to climb the food chain and one night to slide back down, I thought, oddly relieved deer lacked opposing digits.

I shook off the dream and went about my morning, but with a strange urge to join a gym, swear off buffet lines and keep moving at the sound of frying bacon.

Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman watching his waistline. Email him at tripp@theoutdoortripp.com.

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on July 26, 2005, 09:49 PM:

You ain't dreaming, were you to change the species to lion.

Posted by NASA (Member # 177) on September 05, 2005, 11:05 AM:

Speaking of BS, what ever happened to Mr. Holmgrown? [Confused]

Posted by Kokopelli (Member # 633) on September 05, 2005, 11:36 AM:

Tripp & Injun Joe both seem to be AWOL.

Posted by InjunJoe (Member # 658) on September 05, 2005, 11:56 AM:

I'm still around. Got the day off and have been shopping all the sales. We don't have any money, but Yolanda felt the need to shop anyway. I will never get it figured out.

I did manage to do some dove hunting and did pretty good too. Why is it your nose always itches when cleaning doves?

Forgot. I haven't been calling any lately. Too hot to work up the energy.

[ September 05, 2005, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: InjunJoe ]

Posted by NASA (Member # 177) on September 05, 2005, 12:02 PM:

Joe, shopping is a medicinal kind of "girl thing". They call it "retail therapy".

[ September 05, 2005, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: NASA ]

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 05, 2005, 01:05 PM:

Ever notice, you never see them both at the same time? Kind of like the twins?

Ever see Higgins and *** together? It could easily be one person with two different names.

*** leaves the room and Rich shows up right after that. Rich goes to the bathroom, and *** walks back into the bar.

I'm starting to get suspicious. LB

Posted by Rich Higgins (Member # 3) on September 05, 2005, 06:09 PM:

quote:
. Rich goes to the bathroom, and *** walks back into the bar.

Whoa! That doesn't sound good for ***.

(BTW. Is that an ****** name?
Three Star Nistetter?)

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 05, 2005, 06:42 PM:

WOW! I'm beginning to know how Krusty feels.

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 06, 2005, 09:37 AM:

Dammit Rich!
Put a clamp on it buddy!

Last night when you went to the bathroom, I wandered out and had no clue where I was.

Every time you go pee it takes me 3 hours to walk home.

Posted by Crow Woman (Member # 157) on September 07, 2005, 05:49 PM:

Ya know Leonard... you might be on to something here. I talk to Rich on the phone and mention that I haven't heard from *** in awhile... finish up the conversation, hang up and the phone is rining right away. I'm thinking maybe Rich forgot to tell me something. Then I hear this *** fellow's voice.

Vise versa... I'll be talking to *** and tell him that I haven't heard from Rich for awhile... finish up the conversation, hang up and the phone is ringing back right away. Lo and behold... it's Rich.

So, what I'd like to know... Is there really a Rich... or is there really a ***... or is them, he, she or it a she or maybe them, he, she or it is really a he... or maybe Rich or *** isn't really it's name afterall... doggonit... I need some more Motrin

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 07, 2005, 05:56 PM:

All I know is, they are very close. Closer than brothers, closer than a mother to a son, even closer than a man and a wife. I'm jealous, never had a close friend, quite like that?

Good hunting. LB

Posted by Rich Higgins (Member # 3) on September 07, 2005, 06:04 PM:

OK, I've read Jay's last post three times and it was just plain w r o n g all three times.
Never mind you two.

Posted by Tim Behle (Member # 209) on September 07, 2005, 06:58 PM:

Hey Rich, As big as Phoenix is, it must have at least one Gay S&M club.

Go take a leak there Friday night just before last call. Have Tyler wait outside with the Video camera [Wink]

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 07, 2005, 07:43 PM:

and wear a cowboy hat

Posted by Tim Behle (Member # 209) on September 07, 2005, 07:48 PM:

I was thinking he should wear chaps and a thong, but the hat would be a nice touch!

Posted by Krustyklimber (Member # 72) on September 07, 2005, 07:49 PM:

quote:
...must have at least one Gay S&M club.
Go take a leak there Friday night just before last call. ... take a video camera...

Umm, you mean he doesn't do this already?

Sorry Leonard, I couldn't let an opportunity like that go. [Wink]

Krusty

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 07, 2005, 08:14 PM:

Krusty! You keep asking for it.

Posted by Krustyklimber (Member # 72) on September 07, 2005, 08:24 PM:

Leonard,

I thought it was a good joke, somehow I think Higgy will too, at least the J a y half of him will. [Big Grin]

Krusty

Posted by Sue and Mark Nami (Member # 685) on September 07, 2005, 10:36 PM:

This would make for a good sitcom. Mark came and got me to read this and you guys are a little on the nutty side.

Mark says it's kind of like when he goes hunting and all the guys are sitting around the campfire.

Is he telling me the truth? Are hunters like this when they are away from home?

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 07, 2005, 10:48 PM:

Some are, Sue. That would accurately describe some of us.....

*** the Nutt, for instance.

But, not me. I happen to be a card carrying pampass know it all. And proud of it.

Good hunting. LB

PS how about a pic?

Posted by Sue and Mark Nami (Member # 685) on September 07, 2005, 11:07 PM:

Of what?
Not me!
This isn't a blind date.
You may not have a full set of teeth for all I know.
This is more like what I thought you talked about out hunting.

Posted by Sue and Mark Nami (Member # 685) on September 07, 2005, 11:08 PM:

Actually I'm teasing.
Mark can't tell sometimes.
Bye.

[ September 07, 2005, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: Sue and Mark Nami ]

Posted by Gerald Stewart (Member # 162) on September 08, 2005, 05:09 AM:

The one I am concerned about is poor old Tripp. He is off the boards for quite a while and then he posts another humerous column and the response to it turns into a love fest for you guys. Your going to give him a real complex. [Wink]

What Tripp is doing is running columns by you for your feedback and\or entertainment. Some of these are previously submitted columns and I assume some new ones. He used to run them by myself and some others occassionally before he submitted them for the newspaper and magazine columns he publishes regularly.

Tripp is an award winning writer here in Texas that likes great food, girls with big boobs and any kind of hunting he can find an opportunity to experience.

Posted by Tim Behle (Member # 209) on September 08, 2005, 06:08 AM:

I've read Tripp's stories about food and hunting. Have him write something about girls with big boobs.

And don't forget the pictures!

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 08, 2005, 06:43 AM:

Tim, you are genuinely a funny man.
I'm with you. A fresh story on trophy hunting and scoring the elusive Boone and Crockett boobs would certainly catch my attention.

Picture would help.

Posted by Kokopelli (Member # 633) on September 08, 2005, 07:09 AM:

Pictures??....With all of these video cameras around here, I would expect an instructional dvd on scoring Boone & Crockett Boobs.

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 08, 2005, 07:49 AM:

Not really what you had in mind, huh Gerald.

Posted by Melvin (Member # 634) on September 08, 2005, 08:11 AM:

Could scoring boobs be what keeps,Tripp away? [Eek!]

Posted by Gerald Stewart (Member # 162) on September 08, 2005, 11:34 AM:

I give up....I tried Tripp. [Roll Eyes]

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 08, 2005, 01:55 PM:

Yes, Gerald. By all means, give up. Like herding cats. We simply cannot control these "Frat Boys" to stay on topic.

Sad but true, there is no such thing as hijacking a thread on HM. This is a "stay on topic" free zone. It's like riding a roller coaster, up, down, swerve right and left, we never know where it's heading. And Trip has deviated just like everyone else. A whole bunch of deviates; and pampass know it alls.

Good hunting. LB

[ September 08, 2005, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Leonard ]

Posted by varmit hunter (Member # 37) on September 08, 2005, 04:13 PM:

Scoring boobs is easy. You have fantastic, fantatasteker, I cant breath, and call 911.

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 08, 2005, 05:14 PM:

About "I can't breathe".

Anybody know, does that cost extra?

Posted by Gerald Stewart (Member # 162) on September 08, 2005, 05:36 PM:

Speaking of scoring boobs Varmit Hunter, I was priveleged to be included in a small fraternity of guys who had been given the formula, of how to rate a woman's body, developed by the owner and CEO of a well known gun company. We were on a Bear hunt in Arizona and around the campfire he taught us the system. I wrote it down on a scrap piece of paper and have since lost it so I can not tell you about it verbatim. We were also sworn to secrecy so do not even ask me to describe it fully. If I do you will have to be shot. [Wink]

Another friend I had taken along with me on the trip to take photos learned the system as well. We used it on women standing in line at a concessions stand and sitting in the waiting areas in the airport terminal. It was great because they did not have a clue what we were talking about. They would notice that we were evidently talking about them by the way we were looking at them but what we were saying made absolutely no sense to them.

We even "scored" our wives for each other. It was as if we were looking at them naked when described to each other. My wife got pretty embarressed and mad at me when I finally fessed up to her what we had learned and that I had shared her with our good friend. [Big Grin]

There was a rating for about a dozen attributes to their figures. Sizes, shape, angles, firmness and perkyness was a part of the calculation. If a woman heard you say that you think she was something like a 20 - c - 16 - l - T - 32 - O - 6 she would not have a clue that you thought she was very shapely and sexy. It was great fun.

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 08, 2005, 06:46 PM:

Yeah, perky gets high marks.

Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on September 08, 2005, 07:09 PM:

Gerals,

When I was in college, my living group would throw these keggers where all of us were encouraged to invite and dance/ fraternize with "full-sized gals". A select group within our group were assigned the dubious duty of estimating their "live" weight, and each time one of the guys would dance, kiss, or service in some manner one of these girls, he was awarded their estimated weight in points. We called it the "Tonnage Party" and it became a rather macabre and grossly politically incorrect annual ritual. Top score won a pot full of cash. Sounds like your system was exactly the opposite of that. Huh? [Smile]

Posted by Tim Behle (Member # 209) on September 08, 2005, 07:17 PM:

Lance,

Did you go to Purdue too? ( Not that I would ever participate in such an event )

Posted by Todd Woodall (Member # 439) on September 08, 2005, 07:25 PM:

Hey big uns need lovin too. Gerald how dare you post the results of my test. [Wink]

Thats just wrong. perkyness is on the belly, right? [Roll Eyes]

We usually rate the girls by how many beers it would take to dance with them. I think they figured it out becouse a girl walked by me the other day and said "50". [Eek!]

I didnt like her anyway, neither did my wife [Razz]

.

Todd

[ September 08, 2005, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: Todd Woodall ]

Posted by Krustyklimber (Member # 72) on September 08, 2005, 10:34 PM:

quote:
Sad but true, there is no such thing as hijacking a thread on HM. This is a "stay on topic" free zone. It's like riding a roller coaster, up, down, swerve right and left, we never know where it's heading.

Leonard,

I don't think it's sad, at all, I think THAT is what makes this the best site around.

I love roller coasters, especially ones I never been on before, I like to ride in the front seat most of all. [Big Grin]

You have to read everything, no matter what the topic name, or where it was meant to go... as long as you can, sometimes you have to "step away from the computer, with your hands up".

Sue,

Around the campfire, we are SO MUCH worse, and yet better, all at the same time. [Wink]

And that's all I have to say about that.

Krusty

Posted by Sue and Mark Nami (Member # 685) on September 09, 2005, 12:44 PM:

That’s exactly why I would NOT post any picture.
The very next thing you talk about is scoring women’s breasts.

Give me a break!

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 09, 2005, 02:26 PM:

When I say perky, this is what I'm talking about!

Thanks for the pic, Sue!

[ September 09, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Leonard ]

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 09, 2005, 02:45 PM:

quote:

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. - Jay Nistetter

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 09, 2005, 09:33 PM:

Brutal!
Not quite the whole quote, but brutal nonetheless.

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 09, 2005, 09:42 PM:

quote:
I was so poor growing up ... since I wasn't a boy ...I had nothing to play with. - Jay Nistetter

Did I get that bass ackwards?

Posted by Melvin (Member # 634) on September 09, 2005, 10:07 PM:

Could you imagine wakeing up in bed with that lying beside you?..DAMN!

Posted by Jay Nistetter (Member # 140) on September 09, 2005, 10:45 PM:

Leonard,
As I am sitting here laughing with tears in my eyes, I think the quote had something to do with waking up on Christmas morning and no presents.

Melvin,

quote:
Could you imagine wakeing up in bed with that lying beside you?..DAMN!

Damn! as in you hit the jackpot?
Or
Damn! you had too much to drink last night?

I'm not sure how to read between the lines on this one.

[ September 09, 2005, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Jay Nistetter ]

Posted by Melvin (Member # 634) on September 09, 2005, 11:19 PM:

JACK POT!!!!...I would rather wake up beside a shit pot!!

DRUNK!...I aint ever been that DRUNK!!

Damn,like, OH SHIT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!!

Posted by Leonard (Member # 2) on September 10, 2005, 12:03 AM:

Nice rack, though. [Razz]

Posted by Gerald Stewart (Member # 162) on September 10, 2005, 07:15 AM:

You guys are sick sick sick.......... [Roll Eyes]

Posted by Melvin (Member # 634) on September 10, 2005, 10:46 AM:

Gerald,that was none of my doings!Leonard put that,(trophy?)up there for Jay...You think,maybe,Tripp could score the Bu,..BOO,..BOO,..rack for him? [Eek!]

Posted by Gerald Stewart (Member # 162) on September 10, 2005, 12:52 PM:

If Tripp does not make an appearance here soon ,I think I will give all of you his Phone Numbers and you can call him direct and harrass him royally. [Wink]

Posted by Cdog911 (Member # 7) on September 10, 2005, 01:21 PM:

Damn, Melvin, BOO is about right. If I can paraphrase Gerry Blair, that "woman" is so fugly you can only stand to look at her with one eye at a time!

I printed that picture out and will use it this winter to kill coyotes. When they get all up close and personal like, I'll raise that pic and ugly them to death. Think I can sell the idea to Paul? [Wink]

[ September 10, 2005, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: Cdog911 ]

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