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Author
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Topic: More bullshit from Texas...
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The Outdoor Tripp
Knows what it's all about
Member # 619
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posted July 26, 2005 03:18 PM
Tables Turned
Last night was a doozey. Falling asleep faster than a fat man on a full stomach, I stumbled into the worst nightmare money couldn’t buy. I wasn’t falling, running in slow-motion from killers, or even naked in public. It was far worse. I dreamt it was hunting season and I wasn’t hunting whitetail ... they were hunting me.
Realizing the best defense is a good offense, deer everywhere had taken to arms, discovering there is nothing easier to hunt than your average deer hunter. Bambi and company were having a field day.
They were only after males – oblivious prey, more predictable than their female counterparts due to never-ending rut activity.
Trophies were judged by waist size. Shooters started in the high thirties, with forty-inchers destined for wall hanging, and the occasional fifty rating world-class. Full-body mounts, necessary to showcase trophy qualities, were popular with "reaching for remote" and "opening fridge door" action poses available. The more affordable European mount, or belt-on-a plaque, was also common.
Judging trophies in the field was a snap. Layers of bulky camo, often concealing hunters’ mid-sections, sagging necks, multiple chins, graying sideburns and fly-away ear hair were tell-tale signs of mature shooters. Small-waisted, mature specimens were considered culls and harvested for herd management.
Their methods were simple: Hunt thirty minutes before dawn and dark as hunters entered and exited the field. Deer simply staked out blinds until noisy, flashlight-toting trophies appeared struggling to climb in or out. Reeking of coffee, last night’s campfire and the occasional cigarette, even the most stealthy presented skillet shots to their downwind pursuers.
We were so easy to hunt. Electronic game calls featuring beer cans opening, bacon frying and the Bay Watch theme song got our attention, while attractant scents of hot coffee, fresh donuts and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in heat drew us close. The coup de grace? Feeders baited with t-bones, 12-packs and Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Editions kept us occupied until we turned broadside...
Spot and stalk techniques were also practiced. Slow-moving hunters, overloaded with gear presented easy targets and were virtually unable to flee – the more desirable trophies having the most difficulty. Flee or not, it was just a matter of time.
The successful deer drove to town, two or three hunters strapped to the truck grill, headed for the meat locker, or taxidermist, depending. They bragged about their hunts, spinning yarns about the ones that got away: Thirty-inchers became forties, hundred-yard shots became two-hundred. It all sounded so familiar.
Sweaty and shaking like a cheap motel bed, I woke from my Disney classic gone wrong and realized it had all been a dream. I sat up and gathered my wits.
It had all been so easy – scarily so. The deer had us pegged, and hunting the hunters was like shooting big fish in a small barrel. We were all so predictable … so detectable … and so fat. Millions of years to climb the food chain and one night to slide back down, I thought, oddly relieved deer lacked opposing digits.
I shook off the dream and went about my morning, but with a strange urge to join a gym, swear off buffet lines and keep moving at the sound of frying bacon.
Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman watching his waistline. Email him at tripp@theoutdoortripp.com.
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The Outdoor Tripp
www.theoutdoortripp.com
"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
Posts: 805 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2005
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted July 26, 2005 09:49 PM
You ain't dreaming, were you to change the species to lion.
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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NASA
Knows what it's all about
Member # 177
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posted September 05, 2005 11:05 AM
Speaking of BS, what ever happened to Mr. Holmgrown? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posts: 1168 | From: Typical White Person | Registered: Apr 2003
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Kokopelli
SENIOR DISCOUNT & Dispenser of Sage Advice
Member # 633
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posted September 05, 2005 11:36 AM
Tripp & Injun Joe both seem to be AWOL.
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And lo, the Light of the Trump shown upon the Darkness and the Darkness could not comprehend it.
Posts: 8237 | From: Under a wandering star | Registered: Apr 2005
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InjunJoe
unknown comic
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posted September 05, 2005 11:56 AM
I'm still around. Got the day off and have been shopping all the sales. We don't have any money, but Yolanda felt the need to shop anyway. I will never get it figured out.
I did manage to do some dove hunting and did pretty good too. Why is it your nose always itches when cleaning doves?
Forgot. I haven't been calling any lately. Too hot to work up the energy.
[ September 05, 2005, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: InjunJoe ]
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NASA
Knows what it's all about
Member # 177
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posted September 05, 2005 12:02 PM
Joe, shopping is a medicinal kind of "girl thing". They call it "retail therapy".
[ September 05, 2005, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: NASA ]
Posts: 1168 | From: Typical White Person | Registered: Apr 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted September 05, 2005 01:05 PM
Ever notice, you never see them both at the same time? Kind of like the twins?
Ever see Higgins and *** together? It could easily be one person with two different names.
*** leaves the room and Rich shows up right after that. Rich goes to the bathroom, and *** walks back into the bar.
I'm starting to get suspicious. LB
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Rich Higgins
unknown comic
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posted September 05, 2005 06:09 PM
quote:
. Rich goes to the bathroom, and *** walks back into the bar.
Whoa! That doesn't sound good for ***.
(BTW. Is that an ****** name?
Three Star Nistetter?)
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Jay Nistetter
Legalize Weed, Free the Dixie Chicks
Member # 140
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posted September 05, 2005 06:42 PM
WOW! I'm beginning to know how Krusty feels.
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Understanding the coyote is not as important as knowing where they are.
I usually let the fur prime up before I leave 'em lay.
Posts: 1006 | From: Arizona | Registered: Feb 2003
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Jay Nistetter
Legalize Weed, Free the Dixie Chicks
Member # 140
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posted September 06, 2005 09:37 AM
Dammit Rich!
Put a clamp on it buddy!
Last night when you went to the bathroom, I wandered out and had no clue where I was.
Every time you go pee it takes me 3 hours to walk home.
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Understanding the coyote is not as important as knowing where they are.
I usually let the fur prime up before I leave 'em lay.
Posts: 1006 | From: Arizona | Registered: Feb 2003
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Crow Woman
Knows what it's all about
Member # 157
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posted September 07, 2005 05:49 PM
Ya know Leonard... you might be on to something here. I talk to Rich on the phone and mention that I haven't heard from *** in awhile... finish up the conversation, hang up and the phone is rining right away. I'm thinking maybe Rich forgot to tell me something. Then I hear this *** fellow's voice.
Vise versa... I'll be talking to *** and tell him that I haven't heard from Rich for awhile... finish up the conversation, hang up and the phone is ringing back right away. Lo and behold... it's Rich.
So, what I'd like to know... Is there really a Rich... or is there really a ***... or is them, he, she or it a she or maybe them, he, she or it is really a he... or maybe Rich or *** isn't really it's name afterall... doggonit... I need some more Motrin
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Sheri L Baity
Lord, Please give me peace, because if you give me strength, I might beat someone to death!
Posts: 720 | From: Covington | Registered: Mar 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted September 07, 2005 05:56 PM
All I know is, they are very close. Closer than brothers, closer than a mother to a son, even closer than a man and a wife. I'm jealous, never had a close friend, quite like that?
Good hunting. LB
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Rich Higgins
unknown comic
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posted September 07, 2005 06:04 PM
OK, I've read Jay's last post three times and it was just plain w r o n g all three times.
Never mind you two.
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Tim Behle
Administrator MacNeal Sector
Member # 209
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posted September 07, 2005 06:58 PM
Hey Rich, As big as Phoenix is, it must have at least one Gay S&M club.
Go take a leak there Friday night just before last call. Have Tyler wait outside with the Video camera ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take
an ass kickin'.
Posts: 3160 | From: Five Miles East of Vic, AZ | Registered: Jun 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted September 07, 2005 07:43 PM
and wear a cowboy hat
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Tim Behle
Administrator MacNeal Sector
Member # 209
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posted September 07, 2005 07:48 PM
I was thinking he should wear chaps and a thong, but the hat would be a nice touch!
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Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take
an ass kickin'.
Posts: 3160 | From: Five Miles East of Vic, AZ | Registered: Jun 2003
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Krustyklimber
prefers the bunny hugger pronunciation: ky o tee
Member # 72
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posted September 07, 2005 07:49 PM
quote:
...must have at least one Gay S&M club.
Go take a leak there Friday night just before last call. ... take a video camera...
Umm, you mean he doesn't do this already?
Sorry Leonard, I couldn't let an opportunity like that go.
Krusty 
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Think about how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that!
Posts: 1912 | From: Deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia | Registered: Jan 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted September 07, 2005 08:14 PM
Krusty! You keep asking for it.
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Krustyklimber
prefers the bunny hugger pronunciation: ky o tee
Member # 72
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posted September 07, 2005 08:24 PM
Leonard,
I thought it was a good joke, somehow I think Higgy will too, at least the J a y half of him will. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Krusty
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Think about how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that!
Posts: 1912 | From: Deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia | Registered: Jan 2003
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Sue and Mark Nami
Knows what it's all about
Member # 685
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posted September 07, 2005 10:36 PM
This would make for a good sitcom. Mark came and got me to read this and you guys are a little on the nutty side.
Mark says it's kind of like when he goes hunting and all the guys are sitting around the campfire.
Is he telling me the truth? Are hunters like this when they are away from home?
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All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough
good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke..1729-1797
Posts: 44 | From: east coast | Registered: Jul 2005
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted September 07, 2005 10:48 PM
Some are, Sue. That would accurately describe some of us.....
*** the Nutt, for instance.
But, not me. I happen to be a card carrying pampass know it all. And proud of it.
Good hunting. LB
PS how about a pic?
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32375 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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Sue and Mark Nami
Knows what it's all about
Member # 685
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posted September 07, 2005 11:07 PM
Of what?
Not me!
This isn't a blind date.
You may not have a full set of teeth for all I know.
This is more like what I thought you talked about out hunting.
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All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough
good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke..1729-1797
Posts: 44 | From: east coast | Registered: Jul 2005
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Sue and Mark Nami
Knows what it's all about
Member # 685
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posted September 07, 2005 11:08 PM
Actually I'm teasing.
Mark can't tell sometimes.
Bye.
[ September 07, 2005, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: Sue and Mark Nami ]
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All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough
good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke..1729-1797
Posts: 44 | From: east coast | Registered: Jul 2005
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Gerald Stewart
Knows what it's all about
Member # 162
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posted September 08, 2005 05:09 AM
The one I am concerned about is poor old Tripp. He is off the boards for quite a while and then he posts another humerous column and the response to it turns into a love fest for you guys. Your going to give him a real complex.
What Tripp is doing is running columns by you for your feedback and\or entertainment. Some of these are previously submitted columns and I assume some new ones. He used to run them by myself and some others occassionally before he submitted them for the newspaper and magazine columns he publishes regularly.
Tripp is an award winning writer here in Texas that likes great food, girls with big boobs and any kind of hunting he can find an opportunity to experience.
Posts: 419 | From: Waco,Tx | Registered: Mar 2003
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Tim Behle
Administrator MacNeal Sector
Member # 209
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posted September 08, 2005 06:08 AM
I've read Tripp's stories about food and hunting. Have him write something about girls with big boobs.
And don't forget the pictures!
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Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take
an ass kickin'.
Posts: 3160 | From: Five Miles East of Vic, AZ | Registered: Jun 2003
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