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Author
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Topic: For Lance
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The Outdoor Tripp
Knows what it's all about
Member # 619
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posted July 08, 2005 08:32 PM
Squirreled Away
Ellen’s chiding finally hit home. Begrudgingly, James climbed the attic ladder to retrieve his seldom-used rowing machine and attack the object of Ellen’s affection – his spare tire. He hated the attic; hot, cramped and full of unfinished projects Ellen never let him forget. Needless to say, James didn’t climb the ladder often.
Inside, James rose and pulled the light chain. The attic sprang to life with boxes, old magazines, miscellaneous junk and piles of pecan shells. Pecan shells? James thought. Trails in the insulation confirmed his fear. Squirrels! I should have come up here more often. Those little sons of...
Furious, James went outside to discover a hole chewed under a second-story eave. So that’s it, he concluded. He immediately called friends to assist in formulating his battle plan.
Cayenne pepper, firecrackers, jaw traps, electrocution, cyanide, cornmeal-laced cement and a flamethrower made the short list. Ellen, overhearing most of James’ conversations, coolly commented: "You’ve got a pack of morons for friends James, you know that? We want to catch squirrels, not start World War III. Get a box trap."
Next morning, 9:00 a.m., James was the owner of his first Havahart box trap and a 50-pound bag of corn. He set things up on the back patio. By 10:00 a.m. James was the owner of his first squirrel.
That was easy James thought, filling a plastic trashcan from the garden hose. "Prepare to meet Lake Rubbermaid, nut-muncher."
"Over my dead body James Randolph Patterson; you’ll do no such thing!" lectured Ellen as she stepped onto the patio. "You take that thing to the park and let it go right now. And that goes for all you catch."
By the look on Ellen’s face, James knew this wasn’t a battle to fight. "Okay, good idea honey. I’ll chauffeur the little attic-trasher to his new digs right now."
James got into his truck and placed his jailed friend on the passenger seat. The squirrel immediately became frantic, barking, clucking and banging the trap violently. "Just seven-miles of interstate and you’re home free you little rat," James reassured.
James tried to calm his passenger but it lunged to bite, hitting its head with a noisy bang. Distracted, James didn’t notice highway traffic slowing until it was almost too late. He hit the brakes and slowed in time, but the trap didn’t get the memo. It flew off the seat, its door popped open and James’ pal shot out like an angry midget from a chain-link bazooka.
The rocketing squirrel collided repeatedly with windshield, dashboard and upholstery. James didn’t dare reach to open the passenger window. Last time I get manual windows, he scolded himself
Two miles from the park James was able to pull over. He exited the truck, leaving his door ajar. Seconds later his passenger followed, raced into traffic and was promptly sent to squirrel heaven by an old VW Beetle carrying an oblivious driver and Green Peace bumper sticker.
"Enough of this; what Ellen doesn’t know won’t hurt her," muttered James as he drove off.
James patched the house and "relocated" 23 squirrels that summer. He’s had no problems since. Ironically, the Havahart, remains of the only project James ever finished, sits proudly in his attic.
He visits it regularly.
Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman and recommended the flamethrower. Email him at tripp@theoutdoortripp.com.
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The Outdoor Tripp
www.theoutdoortripp.com
"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
Posts: 805 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2005
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Cdog911
"There are some ideas so absurd only an intellectual could believe them."--George Orwell.
Member # 7
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posted July 09, 2005 11:43 AM
Just goes to show you guys... when it comes to writers, anything and everything is fair game when it comes to ideas. There's a story in even the most mundane of events. Great story, Tripp.
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I am only one. But still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something; and, because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.
Posts: 5440 | From: The gun-lovin', gun-friendly wild, wild west | Registered: Jan 2003
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Locohead
World Famous Smoke Dancer
Member # 15
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posted July 09, 2005 02:31 PM
Clever indeed! That was very creative Tripp. a fun read too!
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I love my critters and chick!!!! :)
Posts: 2219 | From: CO | Registered: Jan 2003
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