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Author
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Topic: Something to offend everyone
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Rich Higgins
unknown comic
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posted February 10, 2005 04:44 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him " Sum Ting Wong ".
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
IP: Logged
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varmit hunter
Knows what it's all about
Member # 37
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posted February 10, 2005 07:34 AM
Rich
You left out the little people. That can only feel bigger when they put down someone else's success.
Ronnie
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Make them pay for the wind.
Posts: 932 | From: Orange,TX | Registered: Jan 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted February 10, 2005 08:44 AM
I got it! ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32361 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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txsniper
PAKMAN
Member # 520
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posted February 10, 2005 10:36 AM
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
^
LOL!! I like that one!!
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...Excuses are like dull tools used to make monuments of nothingness...
Posts: 5 | From: Tx | Registered: Jan 2005
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Tim Behle
Administrator MacNeal Sector
Member # 209
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posted February 10, 2005 04:15 PM
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to! avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
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Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take
an ass kickin'.
Posts: 3160 | From: Five Miles East of Vic, AZ | Registered: Jun 2003
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NASA
Knows what it's all about
Member # 177
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posted February 11, 2005 08:51 AM
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posts: 1168 | From: Typical White Person | Registered: Apr 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted February 11, 2005 09:03 AM
Tim, I remember a similiar list about Indiana, that was going around a while back. It was really funny.
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32361 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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jerry
Knows what it's all about
Member # 195
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posted February 12, 2005 07:01 AM
When i saw this post I thought for sure it was about Mr. Martz LOL
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heck yeah Ill take my wife callin, when she learns how to skin a coyote.
Posts: 30 | From: washington state | Registered: May 2003
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Moose57
PAKMAN
Member # 333
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posted February 17, 2005 10:11 PM
How do you cure a nymphomaniac?
Marry her.
Did you know there is a food that reduces the sex drive in a woman?
It's called wedding cake.
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Paul Merrill
When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
Posts: 3 | From: Bountiful, Utah | Registered: Apr 2004
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