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Posted by Rich Higgins (Member # 3) on January 03, 2005, 12:49 PM:
I met Tripp at Gerald Stewart's last summer and we have stayed in touch. Tripp is a syndicated columnist for a large number of newspapers, he is an avid hunter and predator caller. I told him about the Huntmasters Hunt and he said he would like to attend next years if ya'll don't mind. By way of introduction I will post last weeks column. This weeks column tells the story of his wolf encounters while hunting black bear with Gerald in Alaska.
Sleighvivor
Santa’s done it again – delivered gifts to millions of deserving Texans, astoundingly, in just one evening. My neighborhood’s three thousand kids all riding new bicycles are certain proof. One thing confounds me though – just how does the old boy pull it off each year without getting himself or his reindeer shot to pieces?
Christmas falls during deer season, and in some parts of Texas, the middle of the rut, when bucks half out of their minds prance through yards, roads and other unlikely places. If you’ve ever witnessed this phenomenon, you’ll agree – mistaking reindeer for whitetail isn’t all that far-fetched.
The U.S. Census shows twenty-two million Texans living in households averaging 2.74 persons, necessitating eight million Christmas deliveries. These figures surely prove Santa is starting before sunset and finishing after sunrise – he’s delivering to deer country during legal hunting hours!
Nine reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. Have you ever seen the racks on these bad boys? Trophies all I’d say. I’ll bet not one scores under 350 B&C. Show me a deer hunter who wouldn’t eyeball one of these monsters and I’ll show you an opera singer who doesn’t eat.
Let’s do some math: Male reindeer average 500 pounds, with nine easily totaling 4,500 pounds on the hoof, yielding more than a ton of venison and 200 pounds of tenders and back-strap. I don’t know about reindeer, but their caribou cousins taste better than ice cream at a jalapeno eating contest. Something tells me Santa should his save five-deer county deliveries for the dark of the night.
Few Texas homes have chimneys, so St. Nick must be landing on front lawns and coming through front doors. Now I don’t know what part of the state you come from, but where I live, an unannounced 300-pound Yankee coming through a front door at night spells trouble.
Scads of reindeer-eating polar bears roam the North Pole so you know St. Nick’s handy with a rifle. Texas’ 600,000 deer hunters guarantee there are at least a couple thousand deer rifles on his sleigh. The bottom line is: Santa’s packing enough firepower to hold his own and anyone foolish enough to mistake the bearded one’s boys for whitetail better look twice.
It’s amazing Santa can even cross into Texas without incident. With Chronic Wasting Disease an imposing threat, it’s unlawful to transport deer across the state line. Just one case of mistaken identity and it’s all over. Just how closely are deer and reindeer related? For the children’s sake, let’s hope our game wardens know the difference. Besides, Santa’s not transporting reindeer…they’re transporting him.
I can’t find the North Pole on the old Rand McNally wall map, but the northern tip of Canada comes to mind. Security like it is these days; this whole foreign visitor thing just seems risky. Last thing we need are Christmas parades and bowl games interrupted with international incident news bulletins.
Texans are kind, Christmas-loving folks who would never intentionally do Santa or his reindeer harm – we all know that. However, it always pays to be safe.
Santa, if you’re reading, would you kindly throw us a bone next year? Always knock before entering, ask your tailor about blaze orange, and please…consider does and spikes for any upcoming job openings.
Tripp Holmgrain is an avid outdoorsman who wants Christmas gifts for years to come. Email him at tripp@theoutdoortripp.com, or write 1150 N. Loop 1604 W., Suite 108 #230, San Antonio, TX 78248.
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