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Author
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Topic: Frances Military History
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Bob in TX
Knows what it's all about
Member # 66
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posted February 07, 2003 01:18 PM
Here is a pretty good account of what the French have achieved militarily in history:
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its military history, is cleverly waiting on the sidelines until the battle is won by American and British forces before joining the coalition and claiming victory.
Perhaps any nation seeking French support on anything should first ask themselves, "Do we WANT them on our side?" ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Posts: 51 | From: San Antonio, Texas | Registered: Jan 2003
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Leonard
HMFIC
Member # 2
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posted February 15, 2003 09:58 AM
Feb 2003 10:49:19 -0600 PARIS: In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the 'War on Terror' after all.
500 soldiers from the elite Battalion du Specialistes d'Abandonnement (Surrender Specialists) of France's vaunted Armees de la Terre are
preparing for movement to Iraq, where they will advise the Iraqi Republican Guards on the protocol of their upcoming surrender to American Armed Forces.
"It is important to be overbearingly haughty & insufferable when surrendering," said Colonel Philippe Marie-Jeane Yves-Montand Gauloise du
Petite Pommes, commanding officer de le elite Surrender Specialists, who has personally surrendered in countless battles dating back to Dien Bien
Phu in 1954.
"We French are world masters at surrendering, n'est c'est pas? Not like the arrogant Americans, who never surrender. Ha! I spit on your
American victories!"
President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateurs Francaise to assist
the Iraqis in avidly collaborating with the Americans, while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.
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EL BEE Knows It All and Done It All.
Don't piss me off!
Posts: 32361 | From: Upland, CA | Registered: Jan 2003
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MULE
Knows what it's all about
Member # 63
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posted February 16, 2003 10:51 AM
Bwahahahahahahahahhaahhahhahahahhahah!!!!!!
Both of those were funny as hell!
Thanx
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Kickin' it on the Steppes. Livin' in my Yurt
My Hockey Mom can beat up your Community Organizer
Posts: 334 | From: Ulan Bator | Registered: Jan 2003
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